And the beat goes on...

LIFE'S A BITCH. But even with all the bad times in one's life, the good times can certainly outweigh the good.

Life is so exciting... It is all about going to school for the first time and meeting new people and making lasting friendships. It is falling in love. Life is a never ending dream. It is full of laughs and memories. However, life is about falling down and not being able to pick yourself up. It is being so sad you wish you didn't want to live anymore. It is getting your heart broken. It is losing people you love in your life. Life is unforgettable whether captured by a camera or just as a memory you have in your heart.

I am 17.. I am almost an adult. But why do I feel like a helpless child? After all that I have been through and after all the obstacles I have overcome, I feel powerless. My life is one big roller coaster ride- full of ups and may downs...

Take my friendships, for example. I have made some really great friendships, but it disheartens me to find out only now that some of the people I called my best friends, my sisters, were never friends at all. Like a wise person once said, "They were merely just acquaintances." It is so true how they say once senior year rolls around, you find out who your real friends are. I can honestly say I know who my true friends are. Out of all the "true" friends I thought I had, half of them have been crossed off my list. Why? I don't know. Maybe it was me. But people change and no matter how hard you try to hold onto that friendship, it's just eventually going to lose its spark. However, I also think that when people change for the worse and don't care about the friendship anymore, then that's when you know it's over. I think that's what has happened to half of my friendships.I t sucks to have entered my senior year thinking I was going to have a blast with girls I called my sisters, but only realize now that they aren't my sisters. They aren't even my friends. Don't assume this is about you. I am speaking about everyone in general...

Nonetheless, I still love them with all my heart. I really do. I shared so many good memories with them. We have had our share of fights, but we always got through it. But now it's to the point where all we do is fight and no one is happy. Me trying to find a new niche is so hard, but it's what I have to do. I still have those friends who I can count on, but the other ones are dead. I don't mean to offend anyone with what I am saying, but this is what I feel and I can't deny it anymore. For the longest time I refused to believe that my friendships were falling apart. I lied to myself and everyone else by acting like everything was ok. It really wasn't. I hate that the year is going to end like this, but I don't want to end senior year on bad terms with anyone. I just want you all to know how I feel.

To those of you who have stuck by my side after all the bullshit I have pulled, after all the lies, the fights, the dumb drama.. Thank you. You KNOW who you are and I thank you for being there when I needed you guys most. Thank you for being there to answer/return my text/call in the middle of the night. Thanks for picking me up and taking me out when I needed to get away and have a good time. Thanks for always setting me straight. It is you guys that have kept me here. Even with the loss of such great friends, I am happy to know that there have been people who have always been there for me even when I shut them out. The people I didn't think would be my friends ARE. I was blinded by "friendships" I had already established and I completely shunned them from my life. I am blessed to have these people who have always been there for me, and are still here for me now.

All my life I have been struggling to find myself, and at the one moment in my life where everything was going perfect, it all went downhill. I don't understand it at all. Why is it possible for one person to go through so much shit and not be able to do anything about it? Maybe I am being immature by not helping myself more, but there is only so much I can do. Even with the help of my "friends," nothing can ever make me feel better. I don't know what it is. I hate to be melodramatic, but as of now, I can confidently say, MY LIFE SUCKS. I don't want to be this "emo," depressed, sad person that brings clouds to everyone's days, but I can't help it anymore. I am through pretending everything is alright. I am done dealing with people's stupid drama. I have put up with it all my life. I want it to end. I hate it... It kills me.
Even with my loving friends and awesome family, I still feel incompetent and weak. I am not the person I used to be. I am just confused. I am slowly falling apart and it scares me. I have reached my ultimate low already and that sucked. But what if something worse happens? Then what am I gonna do? I am capable of so many things, good and bad, and it's the bad that scares me...

With all of this shit happening in my life, I can still say that I am pretty lucky. I am lucky to have the opportunity to go to the school I go to and be with such great girls... I am fortunate that I have the best family who have put up with me. I am lucky enough to eat well, be sheltered, and have a laugh once a day. I am lucky just to be here today. I am lucky I am not less fortunate. I am blessed to be alive and breathing. Out of all the times my life could have been taken away from me, it hasn't happened. I am extremely grateful for each day and for every other day I get to live out. I am so happy that I can be who I want to be, drama filled, emo, crazy.. I guess life's not so bad after all. It's just how you handle your shit that matters.

Posted by Camille at 7:39 PM | Permalink | Comments